This is exactly how I feel this morning. I am tired of all the sadness - tired of my own sadness, tired of seeing my kids sad, tired of worrying about my mom since she is all alone now. It was not a good morning at our house. Caleb found a video on my phone of dad and watched it and immediately started crying. Ella woke up saying she didn't want to go to school and "just wanted me". I walked her into school and left her crying then I left crying.
Just being real but today I am angry. As crazy as it sounds, I am angry at God. I know deep down in my heart that his plan is perfect. But today it doesn't feel perfect. And I question how is me being sad and my kids being sad part of a good and perfect plan? I know he is using this suffering for our good and His glory. I know our present suffering isn't compared to the eternity we will have. All of these things I know are true in my heart but today is a tough day.
I'm just tired of all the sadness. I am tired of being forced to go on with life and pretend that everything is ok - when in my world it's not. I'm tired of being forced to smile and answer the question yet again "How are you doing?" with "We are good or we are doing ok". I know people mean well but some days I want to scream "Life just sucks".
Sorry - just had to get it off my chest. Prayer for our family please - especially Caleb and Ella. I am a big girl and miss my dad but will be ok. It breaks my heart to see my kids upset!
On a good note - I am thankful for the blessings amongst all the sadness. I had my dad for 35 years and he was good dad. He was able to be a big part of my kids lives. That is more than many people can say so I am thankful for that!
This is going to sound super cliche but it made me think of the song "what if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears." Wish I could take away all the pain but I know this is part of the grief process. Sending many many prayers your way! Love you!!
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