When Things Don't Go As Planned

It's the middle of the night.  I can't sleep and I have all these thoughts rolling around in my head so I decided to get up and write.  Nothing that I am good at.  But something that I hope will help clear my head.

I trust God and His plan completely but today is one of the many days over the past few years that I don't like it.  I know God is working all things together for my good and his glory but I don't understand why taking my dad from this earth is good for me?  One thing that I have learned is that it is easy to praise God when things are good but it really is a choice when things are bad.  You sing all kinds of things in church but then sometimes you are forced to live out those words.  Will you really praise God in the storm?  Will you really bless His name when he takes things away?  Can you really say God is good ALL the time?

This whole cancer thing is a roller coaster of emotion - and quite frankly I am tired of riding it.  You get good news - remission, tumors are shrinking - and everyone is so excited and thankful.  But then the bad news comes and it seems to keep coming - and then the sadness, madness and just being heartbroken comes and seems to keep coming.  And it just plain stinks!

We have been down this road before - in 2014 with Corey's dad.  It seems completely unfair that 2 years later we are doing this again with my dad.  But I know life isn't fair and remind myself often that lots of people are going thru lots of things and lots of those things are much worse.

I have grieved the loss of a father in law and watched my husband grieve.  But this is so different.  Something you don't understand unless you have been there I guess.  This is my daddy, the one who has been there for me since day 1.  The one that I call every day even if its just to check to say "Hey, what are you doing today?"  The one that I can call anytime and say "Hey daddy I need you and he would come running".  But now when I call he can't come running and eventually I won't be able to call him at all. And that breaks my heart!

I know he will be healed and in Heaven and that is comforting.  But it doesn't make the hurt go away.  It doesn't make it easier that he won't be here to talk to or to stop and see.  He will be better off but what about me?  I have to remind myself that as much as my daddy loves me and as much as he has been there for me - God loves me more and will always be there for me!

It seems unfair and a blessing that I have had him for 35 years.  I am so glad I didn't loose him when I was little and he was able to watch me grow up and have an active part in my kids lives but it doesn't seem long enough.  I guess that no matter how many years, it would never seem long enough.  You never outgrow needing or wanting your parents.

Thinking about Caleb and what affect this will have on him breaks my heart.  I am a big girl and I will be ok.  Thankfully we have an amazing support system.  With the help of our family, friends and our faith in God we will survive but my sweet Caleb is going to be so heart broken.

 

Caleb is such a sweet and tenderhearted kid.  And he is being forced down this road.  Again!  He is having to say goodbye to a 2nd grandpa in 7 short years of his life.  This time he is a little older and understands more.  He and my dad are buddies.  He has been staying with my dad while I work his whole life.  He and Granddaddy love going to Amy Joes together, sitting and cuddling, watching cartoons, watering the plants, taking care of the bunnies, working and painting in the shop, admiring and sharpening his knife collection, fishing, hitting golf balls...and soon these will all just be memories and he won't be able to make any new ones. 

I just pray that it will only strengthen his faith and not damage it.  I pray that he won't see this as another unanswered prayer that will make him question God.  He prays often "God I know you have the power to heal my Granddaddy so please do".  And I think he truly believes it.  But God isn't choosing to heal my dad on Earth as we all hoped and prayed for.  God will heal my dad in Heaven which, as my mom reminded me, is the best kind of healing.  But it doesn't feel that way.  So as we have conversations with Caleb over the next few days, weeks, months I pray that God will give us the wisdom to know what to say and when and for Caleb the understanding to process all of this.  I pray that one day he will be able to look back at this time in his life and say I know God was with me and helped me get thru this.  I pray that our family will model for him what it looks like to praise God and trust God even when our prayers aren't answered like we had hoped. 

Thankfully Ella is at an age and has the personality that I don't think this will affect her as deeply as it will Caleb but I pray the same things for her as well!

I read something earlier that the pain of grief you feel is due to the amount of love you feel - and that so true.  I love my daddy a lot so this hurts alot!  And I don't like this season of life at all!  My faith is being tested like never before.  I am having to choose to trust God and His plan when it doesn't go according to my plan.  And everyone knows I like a plan.

There is no easy answer beyond trusting God even when we don't understand.  We have to just have the confidence that He knows best.  And that's hard!  But that is what we will do!

Just a side note to some songs I have really liked.  There are lots of songs but these are the two I have been jamming to on repeat for a while now.

Beautifully Broken by Ellie Holcomb

I know that I don't bring a lot to the table
Just little pieces of a broken heart
There's days I wonder if You'll still be faithful
Hold me together when I fall apart?
Would You remind me now of who You are?

That Your love will never change,
that there's healing in your name
That You can take broken things,
and make them beautiful
You took my shame
And You walked out of the grave
So Your love can take broken things
and make them beautiful

I'm better off when I begin to remember
How You have met me in my deepest pain
So give me glimpses now of how You have covered
All of my heart ache, oh with all Your grace
Remind me now that You can make a way

That Your love will never change,
that there's healing in your name
That You can take broken things,
and make them beautiful

You took my shame
And You walked out of the grave
So Your love can take broken things
and make them beautiful

You say that You'll turn my weeping into dancing
Remove my sadness & cover me with joy
You say your scars are the evidence of healing
That You can make the broken beautiful

You make us beautiful, oh oh
You make us beautiful

Trust in You by Lauren Daigle

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!